THEY were love birds. They shared moments, each to each, inch to inch. They were the perfect match. Nothing would tear them apart. There was not a single flaw in their intimate relations. They were meant for the big future they would make together as a couple.
Such is the picture of the relationship between Susan and Simon (not real name). For five years, they had known and trusted each other. The first time they met, Susan was in her senior three, while Simon was in college. Oblivious of the stories and songs she heard about the hurt in love and relationships, she knew her experience was one in a million. She was engaged to him and they hopped to marry soon after Susan's second year at the university.
She never cared to believe that four years later, a mere romantic message in Simon's mailbox could break her heart and wreck their relationship.
It all occurred after Susan had just joined university. Susan, whom Simon had entrusted the password to his email address, landed on a message, which changed her perception and trust for him. The message, a part from containing sexual innuendo, revealed Simon was hiding a lot of infidelity in his closet. Susan laments that Simon didn't inform her that he had somebody else in his life, and was simply using her for his own convenience.
"All along, he had been cheating on me," a tearful Susan lamented. From then, she learnt not to trust him again. "Now, I believe that faithfulness is just a word."
She confesses that she wished Simon knew and appreciated how much she loved and trusted him, but he lost out.
Simon was pained, too. He had seen Susan's parents over the issue of marriage and thought he had wasted the effort as Susan was now totally uninterested. She pulled out of the engagement and informed her parents not to engage in any marriage negotiations with Simon.
A year after the break up, she is unwilling to commit but broods over the possibility of remaining single for as long as she can manage.
Andrew thought he loved Rehema, a girl from an Islamic background. His involvement with her was more of obsessive love than true love with moderation. He could do anything to please her. Despite this, Rehema didn't put all her heart into the relationship. She took it as a casual friendship and considered Andrew as one of her special friends.
Andrew's love for her was irresistible. However, when he met her with another man, arm around her waist, at a bus stage, his world of love collapsed on him. He wouldn't believe her assurance that the man was a cousin and not a lover she was hiding from him.
But, when Andrew consistently questioned her sincerity on her status with the other man, Rehema threw in the towel. She informed him that she was in fact engaged to him and they would walk down the aisle soon. A dark cloud hung over Andrew's love life. He locked Rehema out of his life and instead, married a lady he confesses he is learning to love, despite siring a one year old daughter with her.
Ironically, Rehema's marriage was not to be and she is still at large. But, the blast from the past still haunts Andrew whenever he thinks of or meets Rehema. He stills doesn't want to accept the fact that she awfully let him down. But, once in a while, they move out. Though, Andrew bears the guilt of cheating on his wife, he believes Rehema was the woman of his life. He is not totally committed to his marriage as he virtually spends more time and affection with Rehema than his wife.
What makes them fear to commit?
The reason why Susan doesn't want to commit in another relationship is because she fears heartbreaks. To her, once bitten, twice shy. It isn't reasonable to be committed to someone who takes you for granted and doesn't care breaking your heart.
Scola, a lady in her twenties, says she fears to commit in a relationship because she doesn't like breaking somebody's heart, something she claims she is capable of doing.
"I joke a lot. I don't know when I would ever be serious," she says. She even jokes about serious issues. And, many guys she has interacted with have often taken her seriously. This is when she retracts and claims she has a penchant for non-commitment. They end up feeling disappointed.
Susan adds that love really hurts, "The point is, when your partner starts saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, seeing the wrong people, going to the wrong places, it hurts. It really hurts. You start convincing yourself they will change. You hope things will be the same again."
To her, once a relationship takes such a path, things can't be the same again. The partners begin to lose trust in each other, and often, cheating or unfaithfulness on either side, sneaks in. Once the damage is done, either partner will find it hard to commit again in subsequent relations, which could otherwise be constructive and healthy.
Oduor Stephen, a 25 year old Information Technology specialist has no hurry to commit either. He claims he has turned down such calls from a pool of ladies around him to commit. But, his case is different. He is the third born in a family of six. His two elder brothers are unmarried. The eldest is in his thirties and there seem to be no wedding bells yet. So, Oduor has to wait until the eldest brother weds, before he can get serious as far as committing in a relationship is concerned.
He also adds that all he is thinking about at the moment is advancing his education instead of committing in any relationship, which he thinks he can't live up to. He simply doesn't have the time and resources to invest in a relationship, something that is not his foremost priority.
Joshua Masinde
